i only ever needed to be saved.

i dreamt of him last night
for the first time in ages
but it was not like
any other dream before.

his eyes still cared for me.
the soft brown, gentle bits of soul
that looked at me with love and fear.
strong hands worshiping inches of skin.
arms that kept me safe through nights
that now seem so few.

i still remember how he said the word 'body'
and how chills washed over me because
he never said it like he owned it
but like he wanted to love it, protect it.
and that is all he ever did.

i never knew what it was like
to be cared for in such a way.
a whisper of a desire
and it was there at my feet.
the world at my fingertips,
but i filled it with selfish greed and lies.
he gave me everything
and i just kept taking.

and, though i feel like
i've not said enough in this,
i've said it all before.
i no longer regret
all the pain i caused
but i'm ever sorry for it.

i know now
i didn't need you
to be my lover.
i needed a savior.
and neither of us new the difference.


'i was young and caught in the crowd, i didn't know then what i know now. i was young and i was proud and i'm sorry. if i could go back, do it again, i'd be someone you could call friend. please, please believe that i'm sorry.'