i only ever needed to be saved.

i dreamt of him last night
for the first time in ages
but it was not like
any other dream before.

his eyes still cared for me.
the soft brown, gentle bits of soul
that looked at me with love and fear.
strong hands worshiping inches of skin.
arms that kept me safe through nights
that now seem so few.

i still remember how he said the word 'body'
and how chills washed over me because
he never said it like he owned it
but like he wanted to love it, protect it.
and that is all he ever did.

i never knew what it was like
to be cared for in such a way.
a whisper of a desire
and it was there at my feet.
the world at my fingertips,
but i filled it with selfish greed and lies.
he gave me everything
and i just kept taking.

and, though i feel like
i've not said enough in this,
i've said it all before.
i no longer regret
all the pain i caused
but i'm ever sorry for it.

i know now
i didn't need you
to be my lover.
i needed a savior.
and neither of us new the difference.


'i was young and caught in the crowd, i didn't know then what i know now. i was young and i was proud and i'm sorry. if i could go back, do it again, i'd be someone you could call friend. please, please believe that i'm sorry.'

out with the toys.

he liked me better
before he saw
the inside of me.

put
it
back
in.

careless and
carefree,
the way the
world sees me.

just another
who doesn't
want to know.

a new toy,
not so new.
played with.
over used.

shine me up and
put me on display.

a sweet pile of lies.

stab her.
make it hurt.
make her feel
it in her veins.

cut her.
sharp and deep.
spill her insides
on the dusty floor.

make it seem
like it was all her fault.
and show her
you don't love her anymore.

tell her you lied.
tell her you regret it all.
tell her that forever
was a stupid figment
of a young imagination.

make her
want to
kill you.

you know how
to tear her down.
do it.
do it.
do it.

hold your breath
and say it was
never, ever love.

"i was only
ever using you."
"it was only
about the sex."

"my heart never beat
for you like i said it did."
"i love him more than
i could ever love you."

and when she's
bruised and beaten
and sobbing
on the floor,
then you walk away.

don't let her see
that it was all a lie
to give her a reason
to find a better life.
and never
let her
see you
cry.

don't worry. i do.

i always thought i'd miss you.
i always thought that we were that forever love.
when i noticed you were always pretending,
i still always thought i'd miss you.

i thought you'd torment my dreams.
i thought someone else's touch would burn.
i thought i wouldn't get lost in new eyes.
i thought my hands would always be empty.
but now i'm sleeping fine,
held through sweet nights in an other's arms
deeply lost in the way he looks at me,
our hands entwined.

it has rained every day
since i told you i was leaving.
have you noticed that at all?
maybe the world is mourning our love
or cleansing the future
for a greater one.

i always thought i'd miss you -
your skin, your arms, your kiss,
the way you smiled when you
weren't thinking of anyone else.

i always thought i'd miss you -
cold things on my head when i was sick,
snap peas and health food stores,
goodwill hunting and bookstores.

i always thought i'd miss you -
my muse on photography afternoons,
three hour naps and no sleeping,
roosters, newspapers and christmas.

i always thought i'd miss you -
even though we're not
the love i always hoped for,
even though forever has changed;

i always thought i'd miss you -
in the silent times,
when there's no one to distract me,
don't worry. i do.

worth the wait

do you think we've loved before?

have we walked the fires of hell?
drank poison? drowned?
have we been ripped apart?
turned on our love?
and here we are again.

it's a familiar love,
a calming storm.
a brand new passion
that we've felt before.

i caught your eye
when you were
too young to remember
and i dodged you
at the bar when
we were too
young to drink.

we've been here before.
how else could
i understand
finding home?
being whole?
knowing eternity.
it's all been just words
until now.

you are all i've been waiting for.

the winds
of fate
tossed us
around each
other like
autumn leaves
until finally
we fell.

on the count of three.

your fingers, warm on my skin,
your lips cooling my neck.
legs entagled, your heart being fast
and i'm counting the
cracks in the ceiling.

one.
two.
three.
maybe if i moan
it'll be over faster.

your chest and arms
and the paleness,
i'd rather be held by a ghost
and i'm looking for ways
to get out of it.

one.
two.
three.
ah, hell, i forgot to
pick up sugar at the grocery.

your hungry eyes and the sounds
you make with your mouth.
honey, you've got to know
it's bad when i can't even
fake it for your pleasure.

one.
two.
three.
come on, get off
of me i just want to sleep.

i have a headache
i have to be up early
i broke my fucking toe
and i'd rather sleep alone
sorry to have to break it to you, babe
you don't make me cum.

rub one out
in your own bed.
i can do this
without you.

and still you call my name

sometimes you make me lose my words,
tounge silent as falling snow.
and sometimes you show me exactly
what it feels like to rage and burn.
and still you call my name.

your voice in the dark
and your hair on my skin
and sleep is always sweetest
when it's next to you.

but you change like the
dawn to the day to
the pitch black night.
you never know when
you've gone too far.
and still your call my name.

i can smell you on
the softest breeze
and feel you in the
cool river over my toes.

so i beg you to treat me better
and i beg you to say goodbye
but you know too well
the heart of me to keep me
and still you call my name.

these chains that i'm in,
set me free, set me free
or cool my
scarred wrists
with your teeth.

i can still remember

i can still remember his hands.
the way his palms felt against mine.
fingertips floating against my arm.
a knuckle sliding across my face.
the way they slammed the stearing wheel
when i made him so mad that all he could do
was hit and scream and hit and scream.

i can still remember his voice
and the way his lips moved when he spoke.
singing me to sleep through my sickness and fear.
"i love you. sweet dreams, babe" before sleep.
the way the anger rang in my ears
when he found out all the truths i'd hidden
and he cried and yelled and cried and yelled.

i can still remember his eyes
and the way he looked at me
and loved me through them
and the pain they held
when i was found out.

i can still remember laughing
and apologizing and sneaking away.
lies, a wrinkled coat, words on a page.
copper roses and tears.
falling apart and just being
too stupid to grow up.

i can still remember my realization
of him being for me and myself being his
and then his voice on the phone
"i found someone."

and years later when those
same familiar lips were
a breath away from mine
and i did. not. kiss. them.
because i knew it was a test
and i thought i would have passed.
i did, but it was not the same.

i would have kissed him if i had known
that it would have been my last chance.










it's funny that
i really only
ever liked girls
after that.

dear words,

i want to be poetic.
i feel like i was once
before living in the dark.

words, like a loyal pet,
can they be ignored for a time
but still hold their love true to you
when you let them in from the cold
and they curl up and settle on your lap?

i seem to remember
the words nipping,
biting at my ankles
begging to come out.

throw the ball
and the words will follow,
fly across the lawn
and back to you
over and over again
through summers and pages
and freezing cold walks
in the snow.

oh, but words, too, can be cruel.
no one ever said they had to
understand when you spend days
with your girlfriend's new camera.
you come home and they can
smell it on your fingertips
and they walk away with their
meaning between their legs.
the jealousy makes them hate you
and you let them out one day
and they never come back.

maybe if i wear my apology like a noose,
a collar of my own, for all to see.
maybe if i walk the same streets.
maybe if i throw the ball,
they'll come back to me.

i thought i was poetic once.

dear words,
this is my apology.
i miss you.
love,
t

5-7-5

three years of my life
just holding on to nothing
and the end starts now.




'you know, i only shake whenever you stand right over me like a hungry buzzard above my head. are you hoping i'm really dead? well, better shut your mouth, hold your belly tight. i'm not serving you anymore.' -fisher

wince

i saw it.
her hand, your face.
i saw it and my
insides burned.

heart, throat,
breath, choke.
i couldn't
blink my eyes.

i saw it.
screamed in pain.
swallowed it down.
doubled over
inside.
but held my
head high.

i saw it.
felt my
exhale
crumble to
my toes.

i saw it.
you know that feeling when your heart stops and your insides can't get any smaller crumpled like discarded poetry a kick in the stomach amplified the twinge that gives you away when you are trying so hard to seem okay with it all and you can't even figure out how to stop it.

i saw it
and you won't
see me
again.