i can still remember

i can still remember his hands.
the way his palms felt against mine.
fingertips floating against my arm.
a knuckle sliding across my face.
the way they slammed the stearing wheel
when i made him so mad that all he could do
was hit and scream and hit and scream.

i can still remember his voice
and the way his lips moved when he spoke.
singing me to sleep through my sickness and fear.
"i love you. sweet dreams, babe" before sleep.
the way the anger rang in my ears
when he found out all the truths i'd hidden
and he cried and yelled and cried and yelled.

i can still remember his eyes
and the way he looked at me
and loved me through them
and the pain they held
when i was found out.

i can still remember laughing
and apologizing and sneaking away.
lies, a wrinkled coat, words on a page.
copper roses and tears.
falling apart and just being
too stupid to grow up.

i can still remember my realization
of him being for me and myself being his
and then his voice on the phone
"i found someone."

and years later when those
same familiar lips were
a breath away from mine
and i did. not. kiss. them.
because i knew it was a test
and i thought i would have passed.
i did, but it was not the same.

i would have kissed him if i had known
that it would have been my last chance.










it's funny that
i really only
ever liked girls
after that.